How A Therapist Becomes A “Flying Monkey " In Family or Couples Therapy with a Narcissist?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and strong narcissistic traits can create incredibly challenging dynamics within intimate relationships. When one partner suffers from either NPD or is high on narcissistic traits, as exhibited by a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. In contrast, the other partner struggles with feelings of invalidation, manipulation, and emotional exhaustion. Couples therapy or family therapy with such an individual can become not just challenging but devastating for the non-narcissistic spouse or family members.
Especially when the therapist has no training or experience with dealing with someone high on such traits.
Such individuals are charmers, articulate, and excellent at playing a victim. The risks are even more damaging when you are dealing with a covert narcissist.
Covert narcissists are individuals who display traits of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but in a more subtle, hidden way than overt narcissists. They may appear shy, introverted, or even humble, but they still possess a sense of entitlement, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. They often use passive-aggressive behaviors, manipulation, and deception to control others and gain what they want. They are often called “closet narcissists”.
One of the key features of these relationships is the triangulation, where the narcissistic partner brings in a third party to validate their perspective and undermine their partner. Most of the time this third party is a friend, a family member, or, unfortunately, in above scenario a therapist.
These people are often referred to as “ Flying Monkeys”
The term "flying monkey" was borrowed from The Wizard of Oz, and perfectly describes this phenomenon. Flying monkeys are individuals who, knowingly or unknowingly, assist the narcissist in their manipulation and abuse. When a therapist inadvertently falls into this role, the consequences can be devastating for the non-narcissistic partner and ultimately detrimental to the therapeutic process.
Below are the factors that can contribute to a therapist unintentionally becoming a flying monkey:
Charm and Manipulation: Narcissistic individuals can be incredibly charming and persuasive, especially in initial sessions. They may present themselves as victims, skillfully manipulating the therapist's empathy.
Focus on Individual Issues: If the therapist focuses solely on individual issues without recognizing the systemic dynamic of the relationship, they may inadvertently validate the narcissist's distorted view of reality.
Lack of Knowledge about Narcissism: Insufficient training or understanding of NPD and narcissistic traits can leave therapists vulnerable to manipulation.
Countertransference: Therapists may experience countertransference, developing strong feelings (positive or negative) towards one partner, clouding their judgment and objectivity.
Example scenario:
Imagine this: a husband, exhibiting strong narcissistic traits, enters therapy. His primary tactic? Consistently blaming his wife for all their marital woes. He's often articulate and highly convincing, painting a picture of his wife's supposed failings with statements like:
"She's always nagging me."
"Nothing I do is ever good enough for her; she doesn't appreciate anything."
"She's just overly sensitive and dramatic all the time."
The Danger: When Therapy Goes Wrong
Here's where things can take a damaging turn. If the therapist doesn't recognize the underlying narcissistic dynamic at play, they might inadvertently fall into a trap:
Focusing on the Wrong Target: The therapist might concentrate solely on the wife's behavior, taking the husband's articulate complaints at face value.
Inadvertent Validation: By doing so, they risk validating the husband's distorted perspective and reinforcing his blame-shifting.
Misguided Advice: Suggestions might be made for the wife to:
"Communicate more effectively."
"Try to be less critical."
"Work on managing her sensitivity."
Ignoring the Core Issue: Crucially, the husband's lack of empathy, his inability to take responsibility, and his manipulative tendencies are overlooked.
The Devastating Fallout
This misdirection in therapy doesn't just stall progress; it actively causes harm:
Reinforced Invalidation: The wife's genuine feelings and experiences are dismissed, leaving her feeling unheard and questioning her own reality.
Increased Isolation: She may feel even more alone and unsupported, now with a therapist seemingly siding with her narcissistic partner.
The Therapist as a 'Flying Monkey': In this unfortunate scenario, the therapist, without meaning to, becomes an extension of the narcissist's manipulation. They effectively become a 'flying monkey,' carrying out the narcissist's agenda and furthering the emotional damage.
Deteriorating Mental Wellbeing: The non-narcissistic partner's mental health suffers significantly, and the relationship dynamics become even more toxic.
Recognizing and Preventing the 'Flying Monkey' Dynamic
Here are some steps a Therapist can take to prevent becoming a Flying monkey and recognize the intention of the narcissist. As well as avoid destabilizing the non-narcissistic partner, or a healthy parent, in case they are coordinating co-parenting sessions with a narcissistic partner.
Education and Training: Invest in ongoing education and training on NPD, narcissistic traits, and the dynamics of narcissistic relationships.
Systemic Perspective: Adopt a systemic perspective, focusing on the interactional patterns within the relationship rather than solely on individual behaviors.
Objective Observation: Carefully observe the couple's interactions during sessions. Pay attention to non-verbal cues, power dynamics, and communication patterns.
Validation and Support: Provide validation and support to the non-narcissistic partner, acknowledging their experiences and feelings.
Challenge Distortions: Gently challenge the narcissistic partner's distorted perceptions and encourage them to take responsibility for their actions.
Individual Sessions: Consider individual sessions with both partners to gain a deeper understanding of their perspectives and experiences. This is particularly important in suspected NPD relationships.
- Consultation: Seek consultation from colleagues experienced in working with narcissistic dynamics. Supervision can provide valuable insights and support.
Ethical Considerations
Remaining ethically mindful is very important in these cases.
The therapist should consider the following:
Beneficence and Non-Maleficence: Ensure that the therapy is benefiting both partners and not causing harm to either.
Justice: Treat both partners fairly and equitably, avoiding bias or favoritism.
Respect for Autonomy: Respect each partner's right to make their own decisions, even if those decisions are not what the therapist would recommend.
Informed Consent: Ensure that both partners understand the goals, risks, and limitations of couples therapy, especially in the context of narcissistic dynamics.
Concluding Thoughts
Navigating narcissistic dynamics in couples therapy or family therapy is a complex and challenging task. By understanding the potential for becoming a flying monkey and implementing preventative strategies, therapists can create a safer and more effective therapeutic environment for both partners.
The goal is to help the couple or a family to understand the dynamics at play, improve communication, and make informed decisions about the future of their relationship – whether that involves staying together or separating in a healthy way. And in case of a family, if one or both parents suffer from narcisistic traits, then individuation of each family member, especially of children, may be what will ultimately help them get out of the control, and manipulation cycle.
As far as healing,- that is a personal and a very long journey for survivors of narcissistic abuse.