When the Bully Lives at Home: Understanding Parental Bullying.

We often think of bullying as something that happens in school hallways or online forums—something children and teens suffer at the hands of their peers. But what happens when the bully lives in your own home?

Is it a sibling? An uncle? A distant relative? Or—worst of all—what if the bully is a parent?

A parent is supposed to make their children feel safe, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. But what if it's their mother or father causing the harm?

When Parents Hurt Instead of Help

No parent wants to hurt their child intentionally. But sometimes, a parent may have grown up in an abusive household and may not even realize that their own behavior is abusive or controlling. They might be struggling with substance abuse, which clouds their judgment. Or they may be battling mental illness or a personality disorder, making it difficult to regulate their emotions and actions.

Other times, a child may be facing an emotional challenge that a parent doesn’t know how to address. Unconsciously, we may ignore or fail to recognize our child’s emotional needs. Despite good intentions—wanting them to succeed, do their homework, or “be like others”—we may push them too hard, disregarding their neurodivergence, learning difficulties, or emotional limitations.

Instead of support, we offer criticism. Instead of compassion, we apply pressure. This can cause temporary or even permanent damage to a child’s psyche, self-esteem, and emotional development.

External stressors like poverty, job loss, single parenthood, or caring for multiple children can also push parents to the edge, causing them to lash out—consciously or unconsciously—at their children.

What Does Parental Bullying Look Like?

Parental bullying can be subtle or overt. It may not involve physical violence or yelling (though it can), but it often includes:

• Constant criticism or belittling

• Emotional manipulation or guilt-tripping

• Withholding love or affection as punishment

• Controlling personal choices (e.g., clothing, friends, career)

• Gaslighting or denying the child’s reality

• Setting impossibly high standards, then punishing failure

For children and teens, this dynamic can be incredibly confusing. After all, we're told parents know best. They're supposed to protect us—not harm us.

Why It’s So Hard to Talk About

When the person who’s supposed to love and care for you is the same person tearing you down, it creates a deep emotional conflict. Children of bullying parents often carry guilt, confusion, or a sense of loyalty that keeps them silent.

Phrases like:

• “That’s just how they are.”

• “They had a hard life too.”

• “But he’s your dad,” or “She’s your mom.”

...are often used to excuse behavior that would never be acceptable from anyone else.

The Lasting Impact

Growing up with a bullying or abusive parent can lead to long-term emotional scars, including:

• Low self-esteem

• Anxiety and depression

• Difficulty trusting others

• People-pleasing tendencies or fear of confrontation

• Complex PTSD

The saddest part? Many people don’t even realize their experience was bullying until adulthood.

How Do We Help Children Recognize It?

Whether you're a teacher, co-parent, or concerned family member, here are some steps to help a child who may be dealing with parental bullying:

1. Name It

Help the child recognize the behavior for what it is. Bullying is about power and control, regardless of who’s doing it. Explain the signs of emotional abuse and show how those behaviors might be playing out in their home.

2. Teach Boundary-Setting

Boundaries can be life-saving. Encourage children to express themselves with statements like:

• “I don’t feel comfortable with that.”

• “Can I get back to you later?”

• “It’s too hard for me right now.”

Teach them to use “I” statements and assert their needs—safely and respectfully.

3. Seek Support

Therapy can be transformative. School counselors, child psychologists, hotlines, and online communities can offer support and resources.

4. Rewrite the Narrative

Let children know:

• You are not broken.

• You are not “too sensitive.”

• You are responding to a difficult environment in the best way you can.

5. Empower Through Positivity

Use affirmations to build confidence:

• “You are capable.”

• “You are worthy.”

• “You are trying your best.”

Celebrate small victories. Encourage hobbies, healthy friendships, self-care, and a positive body image.

Help children understand that they are not responsible for their parent’s feelings or happiness. They are only responsible for their own.

Breaking the Cycle

If you're a parent and this blog makes you feel uncomfortable—pause. Reflect not with shame, but with curiosity.

Parenting is hard. Many of us mirror what we experienced growing up. But it’s never too late to change, apologize, and grow.

Better parenting starts with self-awareness. Oftentimes, we hurt our children because we are still hurting.

As we heal ourselves, we end the cycle of generational trauma. We become more present, loving, and attuned to our children’s needs.

Ultimately, our healed self is our most valuable gift to our kids.