What Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized Attachment Really Look Like

Introduction

A family of six lived in a household shaped by hardship and unpredictability. Financial stress was constant, and their caregiver was often unwell. Although basic needs were met, the emotional climate of the home was unstable. Their father was short-temperedand at times physically and emotionally abusive. Anger could erupt without warning. Love and fear coexisted in the same space.

Growing up in this environment, each child developed a different way of coping. Though they shared the same home, they did not share the same internal experience. Each nervous system adapts differently to chronic stress.

This is often how attachment patterns form — not as personality flaws but as survival strategies.

The Eldest Daughter – Anxious Attachment (Anxious-Preoccupied)

Over time, the eldest daughter became emotionally hyper-responsible. She stepped into a caregiving role for her siblings and often tried to mediate conflicts between her parents. She suppressed her own pain and rarely allowed herself to seek comfort. Shebelieved that if she did not hold everything together, everything would collapse. This pattern reflects features of anxious attachment, which is commonly associatedwith inconsistent caregiving — where love, attention, or safety are unpredictable.

Children with anxious attachment often become hyper-attuned to others’ emotions andmay fear abandonment. In adulthood, this may appear as:

• Fear of rejection or abandonment
• Difficulty tolerating relational uncertainty
• Seeking reassurance but struggling to feel secure
• Low self-esteem or feelings of unworthiness
• Heightened sensitivity to criticism
• Difficulty being alone

Importantly, anxious attachment is rooted in a strong desire for closeness — combined with the fear that closeness may not last.

The Second Sibling – Secure Attachment

The second sibling responded differently. Despite the instability, he developed theability to identify and express his feelings. He could accept comfort without suspicionand communicate distress without shutting down.

Secure attachment develops when a caregiver is sufficiently responsive andemotionally available — even if not perfect. It does not require a flawless childhood.

Adults with secure attachment typically demonstrate:

• Comfort with emotional closeness
• Ability to communicate needs clearly
• Healthy conflict resolution
• Stable self-esteem
• Comfort both with connection and independence
• Ability to seek and receive support

Secure attachment does not mean the absence of pain — it means the capacity to regulate emotions and maintain relationships despite it.

The Younger Sister – Avoidant Attachment (Dismissive-Avoidant)

The younger sister coped by withdrawing. During conflict, she isolated herself andprocessed emotions privately. Comfort from others felt uncomfortable or intrusive. She learned that expressing needs did not feel safe.

This reflects characteristics of avoidant attachment, which often develops when emotional needs are consistently dismissed, minimized, or met with discomfort by caregivers.

Children with avoidant attachment may learn that independence is safer thanvulnerability.

In adulthood, this may appear as:

• Discomfort with emotional intimacy
• Suppressing or minimizing feelings
• Difficulty trusting others
• Strong emphasis on self-reliance
• Avoidance of conflict or emotional conversations
• Feeling overwhelmed when others seek closeness

Avoidant attachment is not a lack of need for connection — it is a protective strategyagainst perceived rejection or engulfment.

The Youngest Brother – Disorganized Attachment (Fearful-Avoidant)

The youngest brother showed inconsistent behavior. At times, he feared his father; atother times, he mirrored his father’s aggression. He desired connection but also feltunsafe within it.

This reflects features of disorganized attachment, which is commonly associated with environments where the caregiver is both a source of comfort and a source of fear —particularly in cases of abuse or severe unpredictability.

Disorganized attachment is characterized by conflicting internal models ofrelationships.

In adulthood, it may present as:

• Intense fear of abandonment combined with fear of closeness
• Emotional dysregulation
• Contradictory behaviors in relationships
• Difficulty trusting others
• Higher vulnerability to anxiety, mood disorders, trauma-related disorders, substance use, and certain personality pathologies

It is important to note that disorganized attachment is associated with traumaexposure, but not everyone with this attachment pattern develops a psychiatricdisorder.

Important Clinical Clarifications

Attachment styles are not diagnoses. They are relational patterns rooted in early attachment experiences and shaped by temperament, caregiving consistency, and environmental stressors.

Siblings in the same household may develop different attachment patterns due to:

• Differences in temperament
• Birth order dynamics
• Differential parental treatment
• External protective relationships (teachers, relatives, peers)
• Individual resilience factors

Attachment styles exist on a spectrum and can evolve over time.

Can Attachment Styles Change?

Yes.

Attachment patterns are learned — and therefore can be reshaped. Through corrective relational experiences, therapy, increased emotional awareness, and secure adult relationships, individuals can move toward an earned secure attachment.

Healing begins not with self-blame, but with understanding.

Anxious attachment can learn internal stability.

Avoidant attachment can learn safe closeness.

Disorganized attachment can learn to be consistent and regulate emotions.

Attachment is not a life sentence.

It is a starting point.

If You Recognize Yourself in These Patterns

If you see aspects of yourself in any of these attachment styles, it does not meansomething is “wrong” with you.

Attachment patterns are adaptive responses. Your nervous system learned what itneeded to survive in the environment you were given. Hypervigilance, emotional withdrawal, people-pleasing, or relational confusion were not weaknesses — they were protective strategies.

However, what once helped you survive may now interfere with feeling safe, connected, or fulfilled in adult relationships.

From a trauma-informed perspective:

• Your reactions make sense in context.
• Your nervous systemis adapted to unpredictability or emotional inconsistency.
• Healing requires safety — not self-criticism.

If attachment-related difficulties are affecting your relationships, mood, or sense ofstability, evidence-based support can help. Effective approaches may include:

• Attachment-focused psychotherapy
• Trauma-informed therapy (including modalities that address nervous systemregulation)
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for maladaptive beliefs
• Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) for emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness
• Group therapy to practice safe relational engagement

The goal is not to blame caregivers or relive the past. The goal is to understand your patterns, regulate your nervous system, and build relationships that feel safe and reciprocal.

Secure attachment can be developed later in life.

With insight, corrective emotional experiences, and supportive therapeutic relationships, individuals can move toward what is often called an earned secure attachment.

Healing is not about changing who you are.

It is about creating enough internal and relational safety to become who you werealways meant to be.

Reference:

• American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual ofMental Disorders (5th ed., text rev.).
• Clarifies that attachment styles are not psychiatric diagnoses (distinct fromReactive Attachment Disorder and Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder, which apply to early childhood).
• Roisman, G. I., et al. (2002). Earned-secure attachment status in retrospect andprospect. Child Development, 73(4), 1204–1219.
• Supports the concept that individuals with adverse childhoods can developsecure attachment in adulthood.
• Levy, K. N., et al. (2011). Attachment and psychopathology: A review.Development and Psychopathology, 23(2), 381–416.
• Examines associations between insecure attachment and mood, anxiety, substance use, and personality disorders.
• Lyons-Ruth, K., & Jacobvitz, D. (2016). Attachment disorganization from infancyto adulthood. In Handbook of Attachment (3rd ed.).
• Links disorganized attachment to frightening or frightened caregiving.
• van der Kolk, B. (2005). Developmental trauma disorder. Psychiatric Annals,35(5), 401–408.
• Discusses trauma’s impact on emotional regulation and relational patterns.
• Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics,