Coercive Control: An unseen, unexplainable, and dangerous form of psychological abuse.

Posted: July 22, 2025

There is a famous story of a “Frog in Warm Water” in the mental health community. It goes like this.

Once upon a time, a frog was placed in a pot of warm water. The water was pleasant. Comforting. The frog relaxed. "This isn't so bad," it thought. "I can stay here for a while."But slowly, the heat was turned up. A degree here. A degree there. Nothing dramatic. Nothing sudden. Just… warmer. The frog didn’t jump out. Why would it? It hadn’t noticed the change. The warmth still felt familiar. But the water kept getting hotter. It became harder to breathe. Its body ached. Its spirit dulled. Yet it stayed. By the time the frog realized it was in danger…it no longer had the strength to leap.

The above story is a representation of the highest form of abuse, a form of psychological abuse. Also called Coersive Control. The abuse that leaves no scars. That no one sees. You don’t notice it right away. And even the most experienced therapist will either miss it or take a long time to see that a client is a victim of Coercive control.

This form of abuse is disguised as love. As protection. As caring. But over time, the victim’s world gets smaller…And the water gets hotter.

Coercive control leaves its impact and can be more harmful than physical violence. It’s about creating a power imbalance where one person dominates and manipulates another, often making the victim feel trapped and helpless.

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviors designed to make someone dependent, submissive, or fearful. Instead of relying on physical harm, the abuser uses tactics like intimidation, isolation, financial restrictions, constant criticism, guilt tripping, hoovering, or emotional blackmail to control their target.

For example, a controlling partner might track your phone, restrict who you talk to, or constantly undermine your confidence until you feel you cannot make decisions without them. Over time, the victim may begin to feel they have lost their freedom or identity.

Who Are the People Who Engage in Coercive Control?

Coercive controllers can be anyone — a partner, spouse, parent, boss, or even a close friend. These individuals often have an intense need for power, dominance, or control. They may come across as charming or caring at first, but their behavior gradually changes.

These perpetrators usually come from very abusive backgrounds, either because domestic violence was rampant in homes, or they were abused physically, verbally, sexually, or psychologically by adults in their homes. They had no choice growing up, and were reprimanded for having an identity of their own.

People who engage in coercive control often have deep insecurities, a fear of abandonment, or a desire to manipulate others to feel powerful. They may struggle from either unhealthy narcissistic traits or full-blown narcissistic personality disorder, psychopathy, or antisocial personality disorder. While not all controlling behavior is intentional, its effects on the victim are equally damaging.

How does Coercive Control Affect the identity or mental health of an individual?

Coercive control chips away at your confidence and independence. It creates a feeling of being “stuck” in a relationship or situation where you can’t freely express yourself. Victims often experience:

A loss of self-worth and self-esteem.
They live under a constant sense of threat. And are walking on eggshells all the time.
They experience a state of confusion or struggle between what's right and wrong, a phenomenon often referred to as cognitive dissonance.
A growing sense of isolation from friends and family.

It can leave deep emotional scars on victims. They will often experience:

Anxiety and Depression: Constant criticism and fear can lead to hopelessness.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or Complex PTSD: Even after leaving a controlling situation, the trauma can stay with you. You feel it in your body as a mix of emotional, physical, and cognitive symptoms.
Chronic unexplainable ailments like autoimmune conditions, chronic pain, problems with focus, energy, and concentration.

How Can You Identify That You Are Being Controlled Coercively?

Recognizing coercive control can be challenging because it’s often subtle and disguised as “care” or “concern.” Some signs include:

Isolation – You’re encouraged or forced to cut off contact with friends, family, or other support systems.
Monitoring and Criticism – Your phone, social media, or daily activities are constantly monitored, or you’re criticized for minor things.
Financial Control – You’re prevented from accessing money or making financial decisions independently.
Threats or Guilt Trips – They use fear, guilt, or emotional blackmail to make you comply.
Loss of Freedom – You feel like you need “permission” for basic things, like seeing friends or making personal choices.
Excessive affection, gift giving, is usually followed by microaggressions and controlling tactics, where saying “ No” is seen as a threat to their loyalty. A victim feels a strange sense of loyalty and obligation, and can resort to what we call a ‘Fawn response' to survive within this dynamic. Such relationships often create an unhealthy form of attachment between a victim and perpetrators, often referred to as ‘ Trauma Bond.

If these patterns feel familiar, it may be a sign that coercive control is happening.

How to Make Yourself Immune to Such Tactics?

Building emotional resilience and self-awareness is key.

Set Clear Boundaries: Know what is acceptable for you and firmly communicate those boundaries.
Trust Your Gut: If something feels wrong, it probably is. Pay attention to how you feel around the person.
Stay Connected: Maintain healthy relationships with friends, family, or support groups who can give you perspective.
Educate Yourself: Learn about manipulation tactics so you can spot them early.
Self-care practices, and prioritizing your own needs.
Seek Professional Support: Therapy, counseling, or even legal advice can help you create a safe plan to protect your independence.

Recovery is possible, but it starts with recognizing the signs and taking steps to reclaim your freedom and mental well-being.

Conclusion

Coercive control is a silent form of abuse that thrives in secrecy and confusion. By learning to recognize the signs, setting strong boundaries, and seeking support, we can protect ourselves and others from this harmful dynamic. Awareness is the first step toward breaking free and building a life of independence, confidence, and self-respect.

References (APA Style)

Stark, E. (2007). *Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life*. Oxford University Press.
Dutton, D. G., & Goodman, L. A. (2005). Coercion in intimate partner violence: Toward a new conceptualization. *Sex Roles, 52*(11-12), 743–756. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-005-4196-6
Women's Aid. (2014). What is coercive control? https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/
Johnson, M. P. (2008). *A typology of domestic violence: Intimate terrorism, violent resistance, and situational couple violence*. Northeastern University Press.
American Psychological Association. (2021). Recognizing and preventing coercive control in relationships. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2021/03/coercive-control
Bancroft, L. (2002). *Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men*. Berkley Publishing Group.
Walker, L. E. (1979). *The battered woman*. Harper & Row.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). What is coercive control? https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-coercive-control/
Fontes, L. A. (2015). *Invisible chains: Overcoming coercive control in your intimate relationship*. The Guilford Press.
van der Kolk, B. (2014). *The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma*. Viking.